Because God knows, even when we don't...
Journal entry~Written November 10, 2008 (written 9 months before Gabriel and Ana were born)
I didn't really think I'd be having these thoughts tonight. What if I can't do this, Lord?! What if I can't be a mommy to four children? Lord, you know my limits. I struggle being a working mom with 2 children. The house. My job. It's just so overwhelming right now. I know someday I'll see. I know you are calling me to walk by faith. Gabriel Jonathan and Ana Grace. Will they become real? Lord, please help my unbelief. Help my distrust. I want to be at peace, Lord. Yes, I want a baby (or babies). Lord, grant me peace, I pray. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being certain of what we hope for, certain of what we do not see. Hope that is seen is no hope at all.
...Be strong and courageous. Do not fear. This battle is not yours to fight. Be still and know that I am your Lord.
Monday, August 18, 2014
The crown of gray on her head and years and seasons of parenting have always made me want to listen.
She has surrendered sons who have fallen off bulls, and daughters who fly overseas. She has surrendered sons who've kept surgeons in business and received calls that yes, once again, someone was headed to the ER.
My fear seeps out through the cracks of my words, "How do you do it? How do you let go? How have you surrendered them, Nancy?" I've asked too many times to count.
Her response is always the same: You start surrendering even before they're born.
You give back those you've been given because they're not really yours.
This surrendering and surrendering and surrendering.
Today my first born will walk the halls of the high school as a ninth grader. Surrender.
Today my oldest daughter will enter seventh grade. A transitional year, for sure. Surrender.
Today, my little Ana, will go to kindergarten. Surrender, heart, surrender.
And today, letting go of Gabriel, my fourth, is proving to be tougher than I thought. Surrender.
I am finding that only a heart fully surrendered to the Lord can freely and joyfully surrender the gifts He's given. His asking for them always reveals this part of my heart that is not fully surrendered. I hold them too tightly, I know, believing I can care for them better than He. How foolish.
How many Hannahs are giving their Samuels back to the Lord today?
May we let this first day of school be a reminder that they do not belong to us. They are His.
May it be a reminder that they are gifts to be stewarded and pointed back to Him, not trophies to be displayed in remembrance of how great we are.
May it be a reminder that HE is our treasure, not our children.
Praying for all the Hannahs today, of littles and bigs.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
*riding bike really fast
*singing worship songs/pretending you're leading worship
*pretending you're preaching about God (You've gone to the backyard a few times and proclaimed loudly: "God's not dead. God.is NOT.dead"
*going to "group"
*riding bike through town with Daddy
*riding bike on trail with Mommy
*sweeping, shoveling, spraying...anything involving dirt and water
*firetrucks (if they're silent)
*picking on Cole
*playing with Julia
*going somewhere, anywhere...every day.